I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I need to stop coming to work sober
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
