its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
