i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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