I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
