Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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