i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
