Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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