Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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