im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
