i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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