Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
