my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Randomize
