This house was built for laser tag.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
