I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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