My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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