I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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