I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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