i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
