Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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