Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I FOUND THE LEGS
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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