Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
