when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize