nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize