she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize