a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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