dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
