Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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