I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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