Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
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