she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
