my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
