hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
