So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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