dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
His hands were made for my vagina.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize