I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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