everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
