He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
