Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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