I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
