I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
