We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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