So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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