Only a mothe r could love this liver
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
