The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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