I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Randomize
