So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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