I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
