I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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