Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
