Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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