I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize