Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
