my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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