OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
