I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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