OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
