I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
