Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
