Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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