Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
