If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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