Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize