My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
