I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
