He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
